To my unborn daughter,
To the daughter I may never have,
To all the young girls that will one day become women,

I promise...
I promise to protect and serve you.
I promise to guide you and treat you with respect.
I promise to love and honor you.
I promise to treat you fairly.
I promise.

I promise to allow you to grow up in your own unique way and style.
Not force my ideas of what I think "you should be" onto you.
I will help you find your rhythm, path, and melody.
I will trust in your innate ability to shine.

I promise to teach you to love and appreciate yourself.
Honor your dignity and nurture your self-respect.
To know that you are valuable, worthy, and full of greatness.
Help your find the treasure and talents that lie within you.

I promise to teach you to find your inner beauty.
Superficial beauty is temporal and meaningless.
Attractiveness is fruitless goal, with a high price to pay.
Teach you to exude confidence in your radiance.

I promise to guide you through life's difficulties.
I will allow to time to think, and process your emotions.
Decide what is best for you.
I will allow you to make mistakes and learn from them.
Help you find your own inner wisdom and guidance.

I will allow you to be strong, bold, wild, and free.
I will give you permission to cry, yell, be forceful,
aggressive if you feel it is necessary.
You can play with the boys and you can fight.
I promise to listen to you.

However, cruelty, misconduct and abuse is never acceptable.
I will teach you to say "NO"
I will teach you to fight!

I will never force you to "be polite", "shut up" and "listen".
I will never make you chew gum, "be silent" and "sit pretty".
I will never put you on display, or show you off.
or invite others to worship your charm.

I will never give you the message that "you come second"
"A woman's duty is to be nice".
ALWAYS saying "yes" is not the way to gain friends.
I will never force you into submission.

I wil teach you to say "NO".
I wil teach you to fight!

I will be a good leader.
I will show you by example,

The power of being a woman
lies not in her meekness,
her silence, or her breasts...

but in her heart and mind.

I will love myself
And I will show you how...
to love you too.

I promise.

There is a force within me so strong that mountains bow to honor it.
And the wind becomes still and quiet in its presence.
A power so mighty that the earth trembles in fear and reverence.

There is also a delicate grace inside me that is as unique and precious as a snowflake.
Special and temporary.
My treasure, my identity, my name.
The pearl that shines on the interlaced treads of reality and time.

It is the part of me that cries out to be seen,
to be noticed and understood.
to be honored, respected and adored.

To be read like a Great novel,
pausing after every page in awe, appreciation and anticipation to more unfolding and being revealed.

It is the wildflower, high on the mountain
that has stood still against the violent forces that seek to destroy it.
The wildflower that cries out for someone to see it.
Its beauty radiates,
it shines with the glow of the sun.
waiting, waiting, waiting
to be picked, and carried home,
and to be offered on the alter of delight.

There is a part of me that wants to surrender.
To hand over all my desires for the benefit of The Greater Good.
A part of me that wants nothing more than to be a humble servant for a noble cause.
A part of me that understands my mortality and wants to die for something worthy.

Sacrifice myself for Hope,
and surrender to a Mystery.
Be swept up by magic, promises and dreams.
Manifest a new reality
To be in rapture of the Universe's Plan.

What are all of these parts?
How do they fit together?
The strong and mighty.
The delicate and soft.
The noble and visionary.
What ties them all together?

LOVE

LOVE is the force more powerful than earthquakes, tornadoes, snowstorms, chaos and confusion.
It drives life into new realms and brings dreams into reality.

LOVE is the sweet impermanence that is more succulent than wine, chocolate and pomegranate seeds.
It is softer than babies skin, sweeter than any lovers kiss, more delicate than rainbows.
More splendid than any cathedrals, sunsets or starts.
It is the pleasure, happiness and joy that makes life worth living, gives meaning and purpose to our dreams.

LOVE is the mysterious knowing that something lies beyond the world of dreams. It is the brave ship captain that believes the earth is round and he will not die. The caterpillar that understands that darkness and its temporary prison will lead to new life.
It is an inherent wisdom that says YES to all things, gives birth to reality, and when it is time,
takes everything home again.

LOVE is at the center of our flesh and the heart of the earth.
It is the sun that we all revolve around and we seek with longing, but hide from when we get too close.

It is glorious, radiant, ever-present, endless.
It begs us to see our greatness, our uniqueness and our wonder.
Love is our essence.

"Come upstairs with me."

"Should I?"

I know bliss, ecstasy and happiness were at the top of the stairs.
The gates of heaven awaited me.

But should I?
Should I follow him?
What would happen in the morning?

"Should I?"

I held his hand.
Opened my heart and trusted.
Opened my body and let go.

tender touching.
loving.
thrilling.
enchanting.
boundless.

Waves of pleasure.
Screams of ecstasy.
Happiness beyond the body.
Bliss beyond the mind.

Yes. Yes. Yes.
Oh, God YES!

riding up,
spiraling further.
touching heaven.
melting.
merging.
twisitng.
turning.
diving deeper.

Yes. Yes. Yes.
Oh, God YES!

going within.
breathing without.
space and time melting.
bodies sweating.
hearts racing.
hearts loving.
flowing.
gliding.
dancing.
spinning.
diving deeper.
deeper down.
endless.

explosions.
dying.
shaking.
satified.
whole.
complete.
empty.
spent.
peaceful.
nothing.
happy.

Riding a wave of Light.
Visions of the Divine.
Ecstasy escaping.
Truth revealed.

Empitness.
Peace.
Black stillness.
Pregnant void.

Morning light.
Walking down the stairs alone.
Back to the Earth.
Fallen from Grace.

Back to the mundane.
Chop wood.
Carry water.
Dirty dishes.

"I love you"

"goodbye"

Used.
Discarded.
Washed, but unclean.

Broken again.

Memories...

"Come upstairs with me"
"Should I?"

Should I follow him?
What would happen in the morning?

"Should I?"

I held his hand.
Opened my heart and trusted.
Opened my body and let go.

Broken again.

After two cups of peppermint tea and a box of ginger chews,
I still feel "Woozy" and "Queasy"
like the Earth is still moving.

I do NOT believe that human beings were meant to
spin in circles at forces greater than gravity high in the air.

We were Meant to stand on the the Ground!!

(And for that matter, all these one-legged yoga poses?...
I am NOT a flamingo)

All mammals (that I am aware of) stand on the ground with two-four legs.
(I realize there may be some flying and swimming exceptions)

But you get my point...

We were meant to WALK the EARTH!!!

The Ground is Good!!!

I do NOT want to fly around like an excited electron about to leave orbit in an atomic reaction.

My mom says "I am heroic"

But does a hero really, vomit after riding the "Teacups" for a second time?
Does a fool really ride anything for a second time?

My belly was in agony all day.
The entire time while we were standing in line waiting for inevitable torture, I was in deep contemplation of my navel.
(literally)

I envied the "cute" girls in bikinis,
NOT because of their beautiful bodies,
but because they were revealing their flat tummies with no shame.

And MY belly felt like I had swallowed a watermelon whole!!!

I KNEW i was NOT designed for the torture of pregnancy or labor, if a little indigestion and slight nausea were enough to make me cry.

It was (in a weird sort of way) a "spiritual experience".
I was in CONSTANT prayer...
"Help me GOD!!"
"Oh, GOD, PLEASE Heal me"
"PLEASE DON'T let me throw up"

But, apparently, God was busy or didn't hear my silent pleas.

God, was in fact, High in the Ethereal Clouds.
A beautiful ray of luminance pierced through the pearly white softness.
I thought it was a "Sign of Hope", but
really it was just a momentary distracting from my pain.

Maybe this is why people enjoy lurching themselves into the "heavens" at "warp speed"?
Where they also experiencing the "Ecstasy of the Divine"?
HMMMMMMMM

Well, they were screaming allot,
Maybe "bliss" is sinuous with "fear"?

"How could this be fun?" I wondered.
"I can't believe that depleting my adrenals and overtaxing my nervous system was pleasurable at one time in my life"
"Have I gotten old?"

NO, I was NO hero.
I did subject myself to physical abuse for the LOVE my most believed cousin.
(He had a blast, by the way)

But I am no hero.
I will never ride in space.
NASA will never call me.
I will never fly a plane.
Be a ship captain.
Rescue anyone from a burning building.

I am no hero!!
I am a fool, who loves a little too much.
Who realized that Love makes us do foolish things and
LOVE is a Greater force than gravity.
And it can at times make you a little "Queasy")

Hello you.

Hello little lump.
little growth.
little goiter.
little cancer.

Hello you.

Yes, YOU have a name and an identity all to YOURSELF.
Yes, YOU have proven YOUR Independence.
YOU have chosen not to be a part of this big wonderful harmony of my body.
YOU have shown that YOU truly think for YOURSELF.

And now YOU have chosen to rally your friends and rage war.

OK. I SEE YOU!!!
I acknowledge you.

But, I REFUSE to accept you!!

The Wise Ones say "Love your enemy".
"You could possible be my greatest teacher".
"With every challenge comes and opportunity for wisdom and learning."

Well, Fuck the Wise Ones!!!
They can come talk to me when they are staring death in the face,
and their body is self destructing.

Fuck YOU as well body!!
I have treated you kindly.
Feed you the best food,
loved you.
pampered you.
Taken care of you.
And now you have made yourself my enemy.

Fuck you!!!

Fuck you little lump.
little growth.
little goiter.
little cancer.

Fuck you!!!

I will NOT accept you.
I will NOT learn from you.
I will NOT like you.
I will NOT love you.

I am the chief and commander of this body.
I am the captain.
If you have chosen to engage in mutiny,
than you must face the consequences,
and accept your ultimate death!

Because NO DEATH shall live in me!
NO fear.
NO weakness.
No tears.

I am immortal.
I am strong.
I am life.
I am life-giving.
I am creative.
I am beautiful.
I am everlasting.

You are no longer welcome on this ship.
you can pack your belongings, and
leave peacefully in the night...

Or you will be evacuated, cut out,
Forcefully removed.
bombed, poised and killed.

I am Beauty.
I am Harmony.

But am NOT nice.

Fuck you death!
Fuck you!

Goodbye you.

Goodbye little lump.
Little growth.
Little goiter.
Little cancer.

Goodbye you.

I am wrapped in solitude,
wrapped in Grace.

Stung by loneliness,
snuggling with memories.

comforted by sadness,
plagued by familiar places,
touched by your ghost,

as thoughts of you linger
like the red coals still burning,
smoking embers in an ashtray,
dangerous and ready to explode
thoughts of you bubbling up from the depths of my soul.

thoughts of you burning me,
reminding me that you may never be gone,
because you have become a part of me.

Yet, the reason for you absence eludes me.

Did you leave?
or was it something I did?
Who is to blame?
Who shall bear the cross of guilt?
Who is the innocent victim of love lost?

We were happy, weren't we?
Our love was pure, wasn't it?
It was beautiful, full of hope and promises?

We were ready to climb mountains?
make dreams?
make babies?

Maybe it is no one's fault.
Maybe it was simple "not meant to be"
But, why would God divide two souls who had found happiness in each others arms?
What fate would bring us across oceans, from distant places to unite us, than almost instantly tear us apart?
Are we God's cruel joke?
Fate's unsuspecting fool's?
Did we fall victim to lust?

or was the Love we felt,
TRUE, REAL and DEEP?

and does it carry on...
do you still love me?

Come to me, my weary sailor.
Come to my bosom, where it is warm and safe.

I refuse to believe that you have stopped loving me,
for I know my heart still longs for you,
beating strong and true.

You are sacred,
You are blessed.

I miss you.
Your tender touch.
Your kindness, gentleness, sincerity and warmth.

I miss your kiss.

I miss the way you looked into me.
the way you saw the parts of me that I hid from the world.
my soul.

You unraveled me.
You made me stand naked, unafraid.
in front of the mirror of my Divinity.

You were the answer to a prayer
A wish fulfilled.

Gone now to live a life without me.
My gentle solider,
Homeward bound.

I pray for your blessings, happiness and success.
Goodbye my love.

May God grant you boundless happiness and eternal peace,
and all the things I could not give to you

Homeward bound.
we both walk.

Homeward bound.
We fly.

Goodbye my love.
Goodbye.

You were a gift I was not meant to keep
A sacred treasure that must return to the sea.

I will wrap you in gold foil and a red ribbon,
give you back to the Divinity from which you came.

Thank you for the brief memories,
for giving me what you could,

and for preparing my heart,
for a new BELOVED-ED and
a LOVE that will last...

The LOVE of GOD

It used to be that, I would cry at night,
going to bed alone was the worst.

It used to be that, I would cry seeing the stars at night,
or a florescent orange sunset
because you were not with me.

But now I know...
YOU ARE!!!

You are not only with me,
you are IN ME

I am never alone,
for the stars, sunsets, and flowers shall be my friends.

United by LOVE,
that is TRUE, REAL and DEEP
and will always carry on.

Goodbye my sorrow,
Hello a new LOVE

Congratulations you have entered the very EXCLUSIVE BROKEN HEARTS CLUB!!!

This membership is VERY elite and has at one time or another included EVERYONE!!!

Membership entitles you to certain privileges and rights, as follows...

For a brief period, you are allowed to ...moan, sulk, cry, and complain.

You have the right to despair, and feel miserable.

You are allowed to express the worst characteristic traits that you generally keep hidden from the world.

You are free to be angry and depressed, but you are under NO circumstances allowed to do harm to yourself or others. (including your ex, even if he or she deserves it)

You have the right to dwell and obsess about you ex-partner. To re-live memories over and over, and constantly wonder if they are doing the same.

However, under NO circumstances are you allowed to beg them to come back, plead for them to love you again or do anything that you would regret later when your rationality returns. (if you have any doubts about this rule, please consult a supportive friend)

You can for a short time feel like "THIS IS THE END OF THE WORLD".
You can temporally exaggerate your pain to its limits and enjoy your suffering to your greatest ability.

You can play the victim role, feel heroic in your woundedness and delude yourself into believing you are innocent and fault free.

You are allowed to receive as much sympathy from friends, family and strangers as you desire.

You have the right to seek advice from friends, family, and you have the right not listen to any of it.

You have the right to commiserate with other club members in locker rooms and cafes, where you can conspire against the opposite sex, make inaccurate generalizations and form bonds united in similar hurts and anger.

You have the right to tell you version of the story over and over, and even embellish, exaggerate and make you once beloved-ed the worst enemy the planet has ever encountered.

You have the right to enlist others on your mission against the villain who wounded your tender heart.

You an even join a formal support club or self help group, filled with other members who will celebrate your pain, and validate your certainty that it is not your fault.

You have the right to be irrational. To cut out your partners image from old photos, to cry spontaneously in public, to listen sad love songs all day wearing your pajamas, watch day time TV and talk to stuffed animals.

You have the right to channel your rejected affection into a pet. A dog makes a great counselor. If you are a woman you can buy 5 to 7 cats to distract yourself. (any more than that people will think you are weird)

In certain circumstances (depending on the severity of the separation) You can have a temporary lover to ease the shock of sudden loss. However, the new partner must be aware they are only there to fill time, which may be better used in therapy. (Caution must be taken with this approach, your vulnerable condition may also lead you to another broken heart)

You have the right to seek therapy, if necessary. Even if not necessary, you have the right to pay someone to listen to your version of the truth.

You also have the right to swear off the opposite sex and decide to date someone of the same gender (although few members of the club actually continue with this path for long, it can be a well needed refuge for some temporally)

You have the right to swear of the opposite sex and join a religious organization. (again, most members who take this path, later change their minds)

It is important not to make any major life decisions until you are no longer in the club.

You do have the right to make temporally bad decisions that have no permanent consequences.

You can spend ridiculous amounts of money on yourself and do all of the things your partner would never let you do..
you can buy a new sports car or boat, the outfit you always wanted, and jewelry and high heels to match.

You have the right to question yourself, your bad judgment.
You can question God, Life and Fate.

You have the right to make complaints to Cupid.

It is ABSOLUTELY crucial that you do nice things for yourself EVERYDAY, (the club's membership quickly expires and your must prepare yourself for life outside the club)
You can tell yourself, you are awesome, attractive, and worthy of so much more than your inadequate ex-partner was capable of.

You can enjoy your new found freedom and independence. You can go places and do things without having to explain your actions to anyone. Feel free to go on the vacation of your dreams (Yes, single people do go on trips) Take up a new hobby (beside making voodoo dolls and burning sentimental gifts and love tokens) Rock climbing, sky diving, or horseback riding.

(Although remember the rule, you must NEVER hurt yourself or anyone else)
Archery, martial arts and gun shooting are allowed, but ONLY as a sport.

The membership in the BROKEN HEARTS CLUB is temporary and length of time will be determined by our panel of judges, based on your individual case.

So, it is wise to prepare for this ending as well, as fill the void in your life with knitting, basket weaving, karaoke, sports, movie watching, deep sea diving, aerobics, reading, whale watching, bird house building, snow shoeing, volunteering, hiking, skiing, spelunking, white water rafting, dog sledding, gardening, helocopter flying, jet boating, hotair ballooning, poetry, glass blowing, dress making, dirt bike racing, cloud watching, shopping, chocolate eating, soap operas, golf, dancing, hunting, cooking, horse racing, checkers, monopoly, video games, concerts, stamp collecting, working etc.

It is good to choose an art form that you enjoy because when your membership expires, you will be expected to present a project to the board members to show that you have truly mastered all the challenges of the club and are ready to begin a new life.

This club is a safe place for temporary misery, but no member is ever allowed under any circumstances to stay unhappy forever or to stay bitter or resentful. (although it is OK, to reenter the club, if circumstances call for it)

It is wise to learn to transform your sadness, loneliness, anger, and confusion into something beautiful. A song, poem, story, play or whatever you wish.

It is wise to read books of Truth and seek the advice from wise people. (When your sanity has returned and you are able to listen)

The mission of the BROKEN HEARTS CLUB is to give you an opportunity to learn...

1. You will survive. (You are stronger than you think)

2. Your heart was never really broken, it was just your ego that was shattered.

(When you master lesson 2, you can go on to lesson 3 and 4)

3. You can begin to love EVERYONE with the same intensity as your
beloved-ed.

4. You can begin to love yourself with the same intensity.

Lessons 3 and 4 are related, and may need reviewing from time to time, go repeat as often as you wish.

Love is a game.

Masters of the BROKEN HEARTS CLUB realize that a "broken heart" is a heart has "broken" out of its shell and free to LOVE TRULY.

Humans being are so funny. Capable of so many emotions all at the same time.

Today I am filled with love and loss. Celebration and sorrow. Joy and grief. Happiness and emptiness. Love and loneliness.

And TOTAL shock and surprise!!!!

Today I got rejected by the man who only a few days ago told me he "loved me", "I was the most important thing in his life", and "gave him a reason to live". The man that said "I was the most beautiful person inside and out that he as ever met". Who promised loyalty and who said he loved me the entire time I was away...

Are these just words?

Or is Love really that fickle and temporary?

Moments later I was showered with pink balloons and crowned with a party hat and eating fruit and delicious stuffed mushrooms at my surprise 30th birthday party. (yes I turned 30 in September, but my wonderful family waited to until I came home crown me as "pink party girl"))

A celebration.

I should be happy, but inside I wanted to hide in the corner and burst into tears.

It was only a few close family members and NO friends. I realized that with my gypsy life I have traded adventure for close connections and friends.

Love songs played in the background pouring salt in the wound of a broken heart.

I was with a room full of people who loved me, but I was alone.

Birthday wishes and presents filled my lap, but sadness filled my heart.

I knew the loss would inevitably open the door for something and someone better. My dad gave me a wonderful National Geographic book of beautiful photos from around the world, once again setting my wander lust for more adventure.

But for this first time in my life I no longer want to be alone. I want a partner. Someone to laugh with, to tickle and hold me at night. Someone to share this crazy adventure of life with. Someone who is unsatisfied with the satus quo and who wants to change the world. Someone who will get on airplane and go with me.

There was no cake today, but a beautiful fruit bouquet. And as I ate my pineapple center piece, I wished for my soul mate to dance with me as I prepare for my destiny and begin my Soul's Purpose.

I have no regrets about coming home or taking the giant leap of faith, over the ocean, to try to find Love. It was a risk worth taking. Love however brief is always worth it whatever cost or sacrifice.

Even if it is a firework, momentary and passionate,
it is still is beautiful.

But, I long for a deep, longer lasting, ever-burning Eternal flame of Love.

As we go our separate ways, may God lead us both to happiness, joy and Love Eternal.

Emotions are complicated, confusing, overlapping and irrational and have often made my life mess. Left me totally shattered and brought me to my knees in devastation and tears. But I would never wish for a life without them, for they give my life meaning. They have also brought me to he greatest ecstasies and given me treasured experiences that have fed my soul.

My heart breaks with loss, bleeds with the suffering, but is filled with peace of wisdom, joy of giving, hope of dreams and gratitude for everything.

I am no angel,
I only play one on TV.

I wear wings and white silken gowns,
but I am no angel.

Right now my wings have been lost at the dry cleaner, and
my gown has mud stains from being splashed at the bus stop on a rainy day.

I am no angel.

I can easily forgive the world for being imperfect and accept the flaws and imperfections of my neighbors and friends and lovers.

Crooked streets, snow storms, broken dreams and chipped cups outside myself are charming, amusing and lovable.

But when I look in the mirror and see my the mud, blood and broken bones from a life that was lead with carelessness,

I am ashamed.

How could a wise women be so foolish?
How could a saint also be a sinner?
How could I possibly make such HUGH mistakes?

I would like to blame "them".
"they" did this to me.
It is "their" fault.

I was laid off, my money was stolen, my car rear-ended, hit from behind, abandoned for no reason, fell on the icy pavement.

I had a stream of "bad luck".
The Universe was against me.
I am a victum.

But, the awful Truth is that,
I did this!
I caused this mess!
The scars are my own doing!

I quit my job, I spent my money, I drove my car into a tree, no one hit me, I left my friends, and I was running on the ice.

Unfortunately, I can NOT blame the Universe, my perfume, red lipstick, or my sexy short skirts.

I can not even blame the men.

It is my own fault.

I did this.

And there is nothing that I can do to undo it.

I will have to forever live with ugly memories, bad dreams and feeling unclean.

My innocence was not stolen, but I GAVE it away.
I did not even sell it, I got NOTHING in return.

I gave away my Self Worth for compliments and a fleeting moment of pride.

"I love you"
"You're amazing"
"So beautiful"

Does not fill the void now left behind.
the emptiness I must sit with,
and the shame I must carry.

"Forgive Yourself"
"We all make mistakes"
"Let it go"
"Its all in the past"

Easier said than done.
When the "Scarlet Letter" burns my chest,
and the memories cut me like a knife.
Things I did that I can never share,
will forever haunt me.

I wonder if I would have done it if I would have known the future pain of my foolishness?
Would I have opened the door if I knew there was hurricane outside?
Would I have opened the box if I knew it was Pandora's?
Would I have opened my bedroom if I knew the ghosts that would linger?

Or would I have done it anyway?
I was unafraid of pain and willing to try anything.

Life's painful lessons robed me of innocence, but taught me caution and compassion.

From now on I will look both ways before crossing the street, listen to weather reports and bring a sweater, read warning labels and listen to advice, keep my guard up and carry mace.

I will be prepared for the unexpected and trust no one.

I am no angel.
I don't even play one on TV.

Broken wings.
Broken pride.

Lost innocence.
Lost foolishness.

Gained humility.

I made mistakes,
got hurt,
and grew up.

No longer an angel,
but a Real woman.

Broken,
but beautiful.

I want to hit the snooze button on the alarm of my destiny.
I want to ignore my assignment.
I want to make God leave a message on the answering machine and pretend I wasn't home.

I am still recovering from the shock of what I have just been told.
My jaw dropped and tears rolled down my cheeks when I heard my mission.
I wanted to replay the tape of the moment again,
because I couldn't really believe what I was being asked to do!!

Me?
What?
No, it could not possibly be me?

I did not want to build an ark!
I did not want to rule an empire!
have babies
or do anything wonderful in the world!

Couldn't I just sit quietly by the side of the road and watch the cars go by?
Couldn't I just be a "Great fan" and cheer on the other players of life?
Couldn't I just relax by the beach and soak up the sun for awhile?

I take it back God!
I didn't mean it when I said, "I will do whatever I can"
I didn't REALLY want to use my talents and serve.

I can close off my heart.
I can shut my eyes.
I can go back to sleep.
I can ignore.

No God, really,
Wouldn't "someone else" be better instead?
Someone taller and stronger?
Someone braver and prettier?
Someone with more experience?

I want to be a fisherman's wife.
I want to fly kites and blow bubbles.
I want to climb trees, and make afghans.
read magazines and get my nails done.

I want to pretend all the the suffering of the world is "NOT my problem"
I want to pretend that I don't care.
I want to sleep at night without the visions of
women with staving babies,
women being raped,
sold,
beaten,
lied to,
stolen,
abused.

I want to pretend they are "NOT my sisters".

Couldn't I just organize meetings?
read books and get angry?
couldn't I just pray?

Leave it to the angels,
and other people who are "better at this"?
Couldn't I just vote wisely?

Do I have to do something?

Is there NO other way for me to be happy in the life?
fulfilled?

Couldn't I be happy getting married?
having a job, children, mortgages and vacations?

Couldn't I just enjoy a white picket fence?
moving lawns, and gardening,
having bake sales and walking the dog?

Do I have to be a dreamer?
A mountain climber?
A doer?
A visionary?
A leader?
Do I have to be talented,
and filled with hope?

Why can't I enjoy a beer?
A party?
playing cards and doing drugs?
Fantasizing about celebrities?

Can't I just be happy, where I am at?
Content with all that I have.
Count my blessings and want nothing more.

Maybe I can just vote,
Campaign for the True leaders.
Maybe I can wear pink and "March for a Cure".
Maybe I can donate money and "Save the Whales".
Maybe I can just recycle.

What would happen if I said "NO"
Surely the world would continue to move around the sun.
and the universe would NOT collapse.
Surely Someone would take the job,
Someone else could handle the challenge.

Maybe I could hire someone to play this part.
Maybe I could put an add in the paper...

"Wanted one fool with a big heart,
to serve humanity.
Someone fearless and kind.
Apply directly to God,
no experience required."

Unfortunately, I was NOT selected by God.
I CHOOSE this path.
I picked each mountain that I have climbed in my life.
I accepted each challenge,
I created the obstacles.

It is MY heart the Loves TOO much.
It is MY own Inner Voice that I can NOT ignore.

It is NOT my "destiny"
but my mission that I CHOOSE.

I doubt my strength, talent and worth.
I lack confidence and support.

I need Grace.

But I will say "Yes"
I have no choice.

I can never be happy with a Malibu beach resort,
designer sneakers,
photos of my daughter,
and winning Monopoly.

This journey may not bring me happiness either.
The challenges ahead frighten me to the core.
The mountain ahead is summit-less, and never-ending.
The goal may never be reached,
and I may never receive glory, recognition.
I may never have the satisfaction of accomplishment.
It may be impossible from the very start.

This may not be an easy path,
but the good news is that I will never be bored.

And, I will sleep at night knowing
I did what I could,
and exhausted from climbing,
but no longer crying.

Tell my sisters I am coming.

She was the kind of woman that men loved,
and women wanted to become.

She was the kind of woman that could garden all day,
and not ruin her manicure.
She could climb mountains without ruining her hair.
and do a kickboxing class in high heels.

She did not sweat, she glowed.
She did not shine, she was radiant.

She lit up the room.
She was magnatic.
Dymanic,
Elegant.
Graceful.

She was peaceful, kind and perfect.
Beautiful and smart.

She was funny and polite.

She made babies smile,
dogs find peace,
She made men write songs,
and women grow taller.

She could wrestle wild boars,
while cooking dinner,
chewing gum,
and taking a bath.

Her voice could sooth the most weary heart.
Her touch could send shivers though the thickest stone.
Her smile could stop storms and drive away the darkness of night.
Her love could bring water to the desert and peace to the city.

Her presence was her gift.
Being around her inspired nations,
enraptured mortals,
and captivated angels.

But she was humble in her awesomeness.
She did not realize her power or potential.

She was quite and joyful.
soft and mysterious.

She was honest, proud and strong.
Never boastful, loud or wrong.
Never judged.
Never lied.
Never said "I am sorry"

She celebrated our successes,
and cried with our pain.
She knew our struggle,
lifted us up,
and carried us though the valley.

She taught us to believe,
to pray.
to try.

She had answers,
but helped us find our own.

She was the moon,
casting away the sorrow of night.

She was the rainbow,
filled with promises of tomorrow.

She was the laugher of children.
The hope of expectant mothers.
The rejoice of reunited lovers.

She was creation, the muse, the angel, the dancer, the nurse, the teacher, the mother, the lover, the sister, the friend, the student.

The earth, the flower, the garden, the sky.

The silence.

She is Tomorrow
and Today.
She is Everything,

She lives in me.

I have long been an admirer of flaws, crooked teeth, broken bones, flat tires and chipped paint.

I was never a fan of museums, polished glass, bronze statues of Greek gods, and supermodels.

Perfection seemed fake, unnatural and un-dynamic and dead.

I preferred my friends to have "issues", my dog to have three legs and the people I worked for to have disabilities.

I liked trash in the street, roads that went in circles and have no names, bumper cars and deviant monkeys with criminal minds.

I liked a bit of chaos, noise, confusion.
Unplanned mystery, excitement and a bit of fun.

Exhaustive planning, rules and order is deadening to the spirit.

I would rather have spontaneity even if it rained during the picnic,
I would rather have freedom even it meant not having insurance.
I would rather have a dynamic dance with life, even if it meant falling down sometimes.

I could accept all the crooked noses, freckles, flaws and scars.
I understood that people can be greedy, selfish and foolish at times.
I didn't mind being overcharged by greedy merchants, if the mail came late or if the weather report was wrong.

Imperfections, mistakes and deviousness are what make people interesting and life exciting.

I embraced all the life had to offer,
and I was not afraid of getting bruised, battered and disappointed.
It didn't matter if my heart bleed and my body was broken.
I accepted everything, I loved everyone.

I offered my heart to the night and gave my soul to the wind,
like a prostitute who degrades herself for the satisfaction of others.

I thought I SHOULD Love all creatures great and small.
Love my enemies as much as my friends.
Forgive the bee that stings and the snake that bites.
Hug the darkness and go to bed with the violence.

So I swallowed razor blades and slept with porcupines.
I kissed wolves and cuddled with hurricanes.
I listened to lunatics and focused on the desires of madness.

I loved madmen, criminals, thieves and the insane,
and yet I ignored the wise, beautiful, beloved and brave.

I comforted dragons and sympathized with monsters.
and yet I forgot about the ferries, mermaids, tiny dancers and dreamers.

I said YES to all the darkness of life,
but I shut my eyes to the light.

I thought bubble baths, parties, and coloring books were only for children.
I thought perfume, wine and earrings were only for the rich.
I thought pink sunsets, white beaches and rose gardens were only for the lazy.

It is time now to come back into balance.

say YES to the pleasure of life.
listen to the wisdom of birds singing.
hug the trees.
dance with fireflies.
laugh with children.
gather stories from elders.
embrace a lover.
find meaning in every moment.

From now on I will no longer kiss my enemies and shoot my friends.

I will...
embrace the glory and triumph of life.
wear medals.
brag about my success.
try to be a hero to somebody.

I will celebrate the special moments and make memories.
plan a party just because its Wednesday.
buy myself flowers because its a full moon.
decorate the bathroom and make my car festive.

I will respect the earth and connect to nature.
recycle plastic bags and eat green things.
walk barefoot on the grass and learn to ride horses.
go on long hikes and watch sunsets from beginning to end.

I will have gratitude and perspective.
call long lost friends and savor coffee shop counseling.
send thank you cards to kind bus drivers.
play scrabble and card games with neighbors.

I will savor the sweetness and beauty of life.
visit art museums and talk to trees.
believe that chocolate is a basic food group.
wear pink dresses and dance in my living room.

I will appreciate the wonder and splendor of life.
study the mating rituals of peacocks and songs of dolphins.
become fascinated by icicles and spinning tops.
wonder what happened to the dinosaurs and why we are all here.

I will allow myself to play and have fun.
study the science of comedy and do laughter yoga everyday.
become a student of children at the playground.
realize that clowns have wisdom.

I will savor the softness and comfort of life.
hug teddy bears and tickle babies.
wear handmade sweaters and drink ginger tea.
take bubble baths and buy scented candles.

I will relax into bliss
take a nap in a hammock.
get massages.
meditate and breathe.

I will embrace the dreams of life.
take holidays to exotic places.
throw pennies in wish wells.
imagine a flying time machine.

I will become an admirer of Romance.
listen to silly love songs.
enjoy candlelight dinners and dance the tango.
study the fine art of kissing.

I will write down 10 things I am grateful for everyday and
believe that too much of a good thing is
WONDERFUL!!!

I will Love the Sun, Celebrate the Light.
become a Miracle Seeker.
a student of Happiness and Joy.

and leave the sadness and pain worship to someone else.

Become selective with what can enter my inner space,
picky about who I choose to love and adore
choosy about what can merge with me
and protective of my sensitive heart

If we Love Beauty we will become more Beautiful.
If we embrace the Light, we will Radiate.

If we hold on to darkness, it will never let us go.

Lead the dance with your heart,
but allow your mind decide the tune.

It is better to love with a tiny bit of judgement,
then be a fool to passion,
and burned by naivete.

Love strongly,
Love boldly,
Love without fear,

but Love wisely.

It is probably obvious by now that I attempt to live my life with integrity, honesty and transparency. I write from my heart and I am not afraid to expose my inner most feelings and thoughts with the world. I fear not rejection and I seek no acceptance. I do it simply because through expression, wisdom dawns and through sharing, freedom is found.

Freedom from shame, guilt, from the politeness of society and the taboos of emotions that we like to pretend don’t exist and the lie hidden under our bed and seek our attention only at night.

Through sharing, we find that though our stories are unique, our path is the same and we walk together living boldly the “Human Story”. “A Love Story”

Though I appear to be honest, self aware and transparent, I have a confession…

I have been living a lie. A good lie, but a lie none the less. A lie that has robbed me of my health and stolen my happiness. A lie that deceptive disguised itself as Truth.

I am a “Yes” girl.

There I said it. It is in black and white now.
There is no going back.
You are all my witnesses.

I am a “Yes” girl.

I say “Yes” to anyone. To anything.
I say “Yes” to Life and all of it wonder, glory and magic.
I say “Yes” to Life is all its despair, misery and darkness.
I say “Yes” when everything inside me Screams “NO NO NO NO NO”
I say “Yes” when I am tired, weak and can no longer think.
I say “Yes” even when I know better.

I have denied my wisdom. My Inner Voice. My sanity. Myself.
“No” is a terrifying word for a freedom seeker.
“No” shuts the mind, closes the heart and puts up barriers between people.
It creates limitations and separation.
It is an end.

“No” is an enemy that must be stopped!!!
We must march forward with “Yes” at any cost!
United together with screams of “YES “that are meaningless and stupid.
“Yes’s” that just becomes lies and further pulls us away from the Truth.

What about “Maybe”, is that any better?
Can’t I just say “maybe”, or “I don’t know”. “I wonder”, perhaps?

No, I must say “NO”.
I must say it with conviction.
I must speak my Truth.
I must no longer deny the Inner voice that says something is wrong, back off, move away.
But “NO” is a powerful force that can destroy tender hearts and must be yielded with mercy, compassion and wisdom.

I was afraid to break hearts so I said “Yes” to men, whom I did not love.
I allowed them into my inner space, into my world and in my body.
But my heart did not love them.
They offered me nice things, presents, gifts and promises. Security, adoration and all the glamour of fairy tales and things every little girl dreams of.
Why was my heart being so stubborn?
Why was it denying me of all of this pleasure and fulfillment?
What was wrong with me?
I SHOULD say “Yes”.
It is polite.
It is the good thing to do.
I will swallow my inner doubt, my inner wisdom.
I will deny my voice and my truth.
I will say “Yes” and no one will get hurt.

Except ME

Love is passion.
Fireworks.
Explosions.
It is burning kisses.
Dancing in the moonlight.
It fills up the dark emptiness inside and makes life suddenly full of color again.
It is endless and can only get more incredible with time.
My beloved will never leave me and I will never again have to face the dark night alone.
Love is a drug.
Its high is temporary, fleeting and ends abruptly, leaving us stranded by the side of the road in the violently hot desert with no water and no god to pray to.
Alone again with restless minds and dark feelings that keep us company at night.

Maybe not.

Maybe this is infatuation.
An intense feeling of desire masquerading as Love.
A wolf in sheep clothing.
A dark stranger at the party, who dance of seduction ignited passions but leaves you intoxicated and angry when he mysteriously disappears at the end of the night.

Fireworks, explosions and burning kisses all must eventually cool, end, dissolve and die.
Energy disperses and the reality of the mundane eventually creeps in.

So is that it?
Is that my only option?
Say “Yes” to something that I KNOW is a self destructive time bomb,
Or say “No” and live endlessly alone?

Was my Inner “No” protecting me?
Maybe.

Or maybe it was leading me somewhere,
or to “Someone” else.
Maybe it was gently pulling me.
Guiding me by the moonlight.
Slowly drifting my ship ashore,
leading me to a sailor that has already found solid ground.

Maybe Love is quieter.
Simpler.
Easier.
Maybe is is silent.
Maybe it is calm, blue and perfect.
Maybe it was waiting for me all along.
Maybe it is so obvious that everyone could see it but me.
Maybe it lied hidden from me because I was covered in the muddy mess of my stupid “Yes’s” and foolish lies.

But Love is here now.
It lies with me at night and seeks the dawn of the morning.
It neither fills me nor does it leave me empty.
It does not deny me pleasure nor does it seek acceptance.

I have a partner of equality, collaboration and trust.
A lover that loves not with fire, but with stillness.
A beloved that I can truly say “Yes” to.
Together we breathe.
Together we climb.
Together we say “Yes”.

I have made many mistakes.
But with each I have learned, I have gained wisdom, and perhaps a few scars.
And for everything I am grateful.

I am the most grateful for finding the one lover that had the key to unlock my heart.
Happy to Love without regret, denial, or sympathy.
Happy to Love with the Truth and Harmony of my Spirit.
Happy to Love freely.
Happy to say “YES” and truly mean it.
I am finally living my Inner Truth.


I am a “YES” girl.

Tonight I walked home with a huge bouquet of pink flowers feeling incredibly loved, respected and honored.

There were speeches, prayers, praise and compliments from the heart of coworkers, family and men, whose lives I have touched.
Appreciation and grief filled the air.

Tonight I looked up at the moon, smiling back at me with a nod that said “job well done”

My heart is full of gratitude for all the love and recognition that I have been blessed with.
My mind is full of dreams of wonderful possibilities for my new future.
My eyes are full of tears for all the people whom I will leave behind.

Tonight I am loved for all the good things that I have done.
When I go home I will be loved for WHO I AM.

Tonight I carry home pink flowers because “pink” is the “face I show the world”.
Pink is the prefect blend of red for passion, and white for honesty.
I am loved for my determination and for my integrity.
I am loved for my work.

But I Am MORE than This!!

At home I will carry “sunflowers” (maybe) because this is WHO I AM
Sunflowers are tall and unique and always follow the sun.
I am a special child of God always following the Light of Grace.
I am loved because I am.

Tonight I loved because of what I did.
Tomorrow I will be loved just because…

I am martyr for no cause.
No one will remember me when I am gone.
There is no glory for what I have done.
No reward for my sacrifices.

I am a fool.

I have decided to go home.
I am going home a crying mess.
Unhealthy, overweight and exhausted.
Unhappy.

Were all my efforts in vain?
Was this “fabulous holiday” that turned into a “mission to help people” a complete waste of time?
Was all my energy spent uselessly?

One moment I was praised for all the sacrifices that I made and pure dedication I gave. I received high accolade from management and possible recognition in a newsletter for Outstanding Work. People applauded my loyalty and remarkable efforts to change lives.

Now I am condemned. I am to blame for the exhaustion, burn out and fatigue. I pushed myself too far. I did too much. I was foolish.

I cared too much. I gave too much. I worked too hard.

I listened. I supported. I acted.

Maybe I should have said “no” more.
Maybe I should have developed “boundaries” and “limits”
Maybe I should have done an average job and walked away.
Maybe I should have “let go”

As I sit here a crying lump of tears on the ground.
Please, tell me I am OK.
Please, tell me I am still strong.

Lie to me.
Please, tell me I am still pretty with swollen cheeks and puffy red eyes.

Please, tell me I was not wrong.

Please, tell me it was not all a mistake.

Please, tell me I did a good job.
Please, tell me I made a difference and what I did mattered.

Please, tell me it was not all for nothing.

A Woman is like a Swan that is full of Grace and Beauty and
like a fine wine that gets better with time.

I am 30 now. I can’t believe it. And I do feel that I am getting wiser and I am discovering my dharma, path and my True Self. (but I have made so many mistakes along the way)

I have leaned so many things in the past few weeks that I feel like a student after a long exam. Joyful with success and mastery, but exhausted with all the diligent effort.

A long time ago, I traded possessions for independence. I learned that if I desire a “simple” life, it is easier to be happy, than to have many desires. I gave away all my worldly goods and loved living out of a backpack. Even when that backpack was stolen, I was not distraught.

Life without attachment was freedom.

A long time ago, I traded pleasure for tranquility. Through healing a broken heart I learned not to rely on others to support me. Close relationships were too dramatic. I learned to love my own company and to follow my own dreams and listen to my own voice. I learned to be my own best friend.

Life without intimacy was peaceful.

A long time ago, I traded comfort for adventure. I slept on the floor, in trains and busses. I didn’t even need a rock for a pillow. I ate things that were still moving. I lived in countries where I couldn’t communicate. I climbed mountains alone. I always pushed my limits and testing my own boundaries.

Life without safety was rewarding.

A long time ago I traded my aspirations for the benefit of others. I gave up my personal satisfaction for the “Greater Good of Mankind”. I gave all of my talents, time and energy to help others in any way that I could. I supported, I nurtured, I loved.

Life without desires is noble.

A sought a life of challenges. A sought independence and freedom. I sought service.

My life has been blessed. I have seen and done many things that many people would never dare to dream about.

I have overcome obstacles and found success with every trail that I put myself through. I reached the top of every mountain that I climbed. I have found great confidence and strength,

But with age comes wisdom (and wrinkles)

I have learned that I no longer want to make my life difficult.

I no longer want to seek adversity, struggle and trials, and tribulations.

I have proven that I am fearless.

I won!! I did it!!!

So what?

All the trophies in an athlete’s case only collect dust.
All my triumphs only make interesting tales in a coffee shop (or email)

But does it really matter?

Does it really matter how many mountains I have climbed?
How many countries I have lived in?
How many obstacles I have overcome?

I never pursued this path to prove something to anyone. I don’t need admiration.
I just wanted to find my own inner confidence.

My medallion is my Inner Strength.
I know that I AM STRONG!!
I AM BOLD
I AM FEARLESS
I AM THE WARRIOR

But, to be honest. Now I am tired and my soul needs rest.
I feel like a solider coming home from war.
While, I was never injured (thank God) I seek the comforts of Home….
Christmas dinner, warm fire.
Playful puppies,
Laughing children,
Silly movies,
Dancing,
Warm sun,
Evergreen trees,
Kisses

On the top of every mountain is a sweet reward of glory and pride and an intense beauty that is indescribable.

After my long journey. I am ready for the reward. I am ready to see the sunset for the top of Mt. Cook. (I have already seen the sunrise at the top of Mt Fuji) I am ready to be bathed in glory and shine with pride.

I am ready to embrace the comforts of life…
Warm sun,
Flowers,
Green rolling hills,
Birds signing,
Children laughing,
Lovers and friends
Music and Joy
Wealthy and Prosperity
Kindness and Play
Hugs and Happiness
Love and Tenderness
And
Chocolate

While my inner growth work is never-ending and my evolution is always unfolding.
I no longer need to make external challenges to find my Inner Strength.

It is wisdom that is awaking inside of me that is telling me that it is foolish to make life harder than it needs to be. It is foolish to look for obstacles. It is foolish to seek challenges.

Life is inertly full of challenges. I don’t need to add more.
I carried 6 liters of water, when I climbed my first mountain. The load almost broke my back. I have learned not to overburden myself unnecessarily.

I have learned now that life without attachment is loneliness.
There is a sacredness to friendships.

I have learned now that life without intimacy is dull.
There is something magical about pleasure.

I have learned now that life without safety is dangerous.
There is beauty with security.

I have learned now that life without desires is depressing.
There is a richness to passion.

As enter my 30’s, I am awakening to the Goddess within me. She is Beautiful, Quite, Soft and Feminine. Graceful. She is Strong and Simple, but Wise.

I am ready to embrace the Good things in Life.
Friendship and Laughter,
Pleasure and Sensuality,
Intimacy and Romance,
Beauty and Magic,
Nature and Healing,
Wealthy and Prosperity,
Peace and Wellbeing

The Goddess inside of me seeks Connection. Connection to the Earth, Connection to Others and Connection to the Higher Power.

Relationships.

I no longer want to Survive. I want to Thrive!
Dance,
Sing,
Hug,
Blossom and grow.

As Open myself to the Beauty and Light within me, I have to face a fear that I didn’t consciously know was there and I need the Warrior’s Strength.

Is it safe to be Feminine and Soft in this world?
Can I shine my Light without attracting darkness?
Can I be Brave enough to be Beautiful?
Can I be Open and Vulnerable without getting hurt?

In order to do this I need a Safe place. A Sacred place. A Soft place. A place of Harmony. A place of Restoration and Renewal. Where the Goddess energy can emerge.

A place where I can thrive.
A place that is nurturing and warm.
A place of abundance and joy.
A place where I can be free.

Free to be beautiful.
Free to be open.
Free to be me.

Home.

As I connect with the Softer Side of Myself and embark on an Inner Adventure, and seek a Home for the Beautiful Butterfly inside of me to Rest.

Please pray for me. Pray that I am able to find what I seek Internally and Externally. And that this adventure is Pleasant and Fulfilling and less Challenging than the Warrior phase of my foolish youth.

There is a saying in Japan…(I can’t remember the exact translation)

“A bad leader is one that everyone hates. They lead with a sword.”
(We could all makes lists of famous terrible leaders. Whose greed and power have caused death and destruction.)

“A good leader is one that everyone loves. They lead with money and gifts”. People whose influence has impacted many peoples’ lives and whose death is deeply mourned and presence is truly missed.
(We all can remember role models and teachers who changed our lives)

“A GREAT leader is one who no one knows is there. They lead with a smile.” When the village is running so smoothly, and the people have such a great harmony and teamwork, they don’t need a leader. They are self sufficient.” (Can you remember someone whose presence inspired you to want to be like them?)

It was never really my goal to be a leader. I got put into that role and I accepted it with hesitation, but I rose to the challenge.

I think I was a “good” leader, but not a GREAT one.

I have made a difference in the lives of several men. However, the “positive” influence has also had “negative” consequences. Yes, they “Love” me. But, now they “Need” me. Tim’s love for me has turned into an unhealthy attraction and he has even broken into my house, trying to find me on my day off. He refuses to work with other staff. And I doubt Stephen will continue his diet and exercise when I am gone.

The wonderful changes that I have made are temporary. The effect is not lasting or permanent. I have only built sandcastles on the beach that will get washed away. They might remember me when I am gone. (but maybe not)

I was never a GREAT leader. I was not able to teach them. I tried. Will Tim remember how to wash himself properly? Maybe. Will Stephen remember how to clean his room? Maybe not.

Working with people with disabilities is often like being a parent. Grooming, cleaning, washing, laundry, dishes, bathing, driving, planning, coaching, mentoring, protecting, worrying.

But the BIG difference is children can learn. Children you can teach.

But I am NOT a parent. These are NOT children. They will NEVER be fully independent. And their capacity for learning is very small. Most care workers don’t even want to try to teach anything. “Why bother?”

There are bumper stickers that say “My son graduated with honors” Why not a bumper sticker that says, “My son can finally make his own coffee, he is 37.”

The challenges can be greater for a support worker than for a parent. Sometimes there can be violence and challenging behaviors. But support workers are NOT allowed to discipline by law. Parents can be firm and give negative consequences for “bad” behavior.

The rewards can be small. Little money. And the “priceless rewards” Like a hug or “special” gifts are inappropriate. This affection leads to dependence, often a misunderstanding and a crossing of boundaries. Parents get to enjoy “cuddles” and homemade “Mother’s Day cards”

The ONLY reward is the joy of knowing that I did my best to make their lives better.

I have learned something through this experience. I realized what scares me about relationships and people. It is not intimacy, but “bonding”

When someone says I am “Amazing”. I smile.
When someone says I am “Special” I laugh.
When someone says I am “Beautiful”. I blush.

But, when someone says, “I am Unique”. I cringe.
When someone says “I am precious”. I run away.
When someone says “I am irreplaceable” Shivers run down my spine.

Yes, I want to be Loved. But, I never want to be Needed.

It is dangerous to create relationships where our presence is vital for someone’s emotional wellbeing. It is dangerous to create situations where our role becomes absolutely essential. The responsibility and demands are impossible.

The “bond” becomes a chain. A chain of “bondage”

Some people want to be important. To have their name on a wall. To have awards, and respect and a good reputation. They want the POWER to influence others.

I am NOT one of those people.

I would never be happy working for a corporation or large business where I don’t feel valuable. I don’t want to feel insignificant, like a “cog in the machine.” I do want my work to have meaning and be appreciated.

I don’t want to change people, but Inspire them to change themselves.
I don’t want to teach people, but give them the tools and resources so they can Learn on their own.
I want empower people to Realize their Own Greatness.

And the day will come when I Realize my Own Greatness, then
I want to do nothing. Say nothing.
I want to simply be myself.
Smile.
Laugh.
And set the world free.

I want to be the invisible leader, that no one can remember, no one knows is there because in my presence there is harmony and people are not only Self Sufficient, but we are all Self Realized.

Do you ever want to escape?

Do you ever feeling like running away?

Do you ever want to pack your bags, leave the congested city, noise and madness and head for the hills?

Are you tempted to “miss your exit” on the freeway and just keep driving, and driving, and driving, until you run out of gas or until the police pull you over and drag you back to your suburban hell?

Are you tired of the pressures? Responsibilities? Tired of trying to make everyone happy? (and losing your voice in the process)

Do you watch movies and pretend you are someone else?

Do you ever want to escape?

Do you ever want to be somewhere, hidden away, where no one knows you?

Do you ever want to be invisible?

Do you ever want to loose yourself? Disappear? Drown in silence?

Do you ever look outside your window with all the cars, lights and noise and wonder what stillness feels like?

Crisis, burnout, and disease don’t happen suddenly, but slowly develop over time. Like a crack in the ice that just gets deeper.

Stress gets more and more intense, like the fire under a pot of water gets hotter and hotter, slowly cooking us all. Then one day we realize that we are red lobsters drowning in a sea of sorrow and it is too late to do anything. We are being boiled to death by the stress of modern life and convenience.

My heart longed for simplicity.

My body and mind longed for purity.

I wanted to have no possessions (for they only lead to clutter)

I wanted to own no cell phone, computer, TV. (for they only lead to unnecessary busyness)

I wanted to own no watches ( for they only lead to pressure and unnatural rhythms and uncertain plans)

I wanted to eat only food that I grew myself and be connected to the earth (for processed food is poison to the body and mind)

I wanted to live in nature, close to the rivers, sky and animals and dirt. (for city life is unnatural) (God did not make shopping malls, high heels or credit cards)

I wanted to make friends with the tress and listen to the birds (human relationship were far too complicated)

I wanted to find Utopia. My Oasis. My Heaven on Earth.

Somewhere with green fields that sparkled like an emerald, with blue azure sky that made the ocean jealous because of its magnificence. Somewhere the only sounds I hear at night are the coyotes and the slight tinkle of ferry wings.

I wanted to find peace.

But every time I left, one thing or another drew me continually back into the heart of chaos, madness and tragedy.

Every time I tried to escape, fate, like a nasty prison warden, would drag me back to my cell, conveniently equipped with a washer and drier, sofa and potato chips and everything I could possibly need to help make me forget why I was born.

But is living in the desert, eating only grass and berries and talking to the birds really the best way to live?

Would I really be any happier without microwaves and satellites? Is technology really the cause of my/our anxiety and restlessness?

Would I really be better off resting in the silence of solitude then enduring the complications of friendships and intimacy?

The truth is HUMAN LIFE is stressful and painful. Stress is not a new condition created by cell phones. Ancient people endured terrible plagues, drought, and famine. They built shelter and homes by hand. They labored and suffered to get crops to eat. They lived short lives due to disease and suffered greatly from preventable diseases. There is no use being nostalgic about the past. Human life has always had its challenges.

HUMAN LIFE has always had its rewards. We endure the pot of boiling water because we see the smile on a new baby’s face. What makes life worth living is one thing and one thing only…

LOVE

Without LOVE, life would be impossible.

It is LOVE that makes the earth move around the sun (gravity has still not been proven yet)

It is LOVE that makes the stars twinkle at night.

It is LOVE that makes people cry at departure stations at airports, when they are separated from their beloved.

It is LOVE that gives us hope.

Hope of finding a TRUE PERMANT ENDURING LOVE

A LOVE that will never be taken from us.
A LOVE that can never be destroyed.

A LOVE that is so powerful and so real that the mountains will bow down before its uncompromising force.

Ah, yes. It is this LOVE that we long for.

It is this LOVE that will finally bring our heart peace and quite our mind and heal our bodies.

We seek poor substitution of temporary, fleeting, flawed, conditional human love. We get mixed up in relationships, trying to change other to be more like ourselves. While a wound in our heart seeks to be healed by the acceptance from another, sadly we can not offer the same perfect acceptance.

We never fully take the giant leap over the dark void of separation to understand another human. We don’t have time or have never been taught to take a moment to walk in his or her shoes and bridge the dark gap that separates us with a rainbow of compassion.

This love is a tragic love that will only leave us empty, dry and hungry for more. (Like the junk food void of nutrition, conditional love leaves us empty and more exhausted)

This love is so week that a whisper will kill it.

This love is so painful that when mixed with reality it becomes a intoxicating poison.

Let’s be painfully honest for a moment. Don’t we all fantasize about the “perfect” handsome lover to make us their beloved? Someone lovely, strong and charming. Someone who is so enraptured with us that they are forever bound to be our life long companion. Someone that is so spellbound by us, that the attraction will become permanent emotional glue. Don’t we all want to have the powerful force of attraction so strong that our lover will never leave us and we will never again have to endure the harsh cold of aloneness? Forever magnetized by our awesomeness.

Don’t we all long to hear,” I will love you forever” whispered in our ear and shouted from the mountain top so all the world will know that we have victoriously captured a lover and their affection and commitment is our reward.

Don’t we all secretly long to have someone wrap their arms around us and say, “I am yours”

Don’t we secretly want to capture someone’s heart and hang it on the wall like a hunter’s carcass on the wall or trophy on the mantle?

We want to win the “Battle of Love”

And after we have won, we want our lover to become exactly like us.

Haven’t we all thought at one time or another “The world would be perfect if only everyone would think like me” “Why don’t THEY get it?”

After all, aren’t we flawless, perfect and beautiful? (isn’t that what our lover told us?) Now the rest of the world needs to get on board and adopt our philosophy, then REAL change will happen and life will once again be good.

“If only everyone thought like me”

“Oh, what a tragedy that would be”

The TRUTH is that REAL POWERFUL PEREFECT LOVE can not happen in the silence of green fields and the seclusion of society or in the illusion of romance or infatuation.

It happens in the midst of tragedy. When hurricanes hit, volcanoes erupt, and planes crash. When wars devastate lands and families are torn apart.

A LOVE that is UNSTOPPABLE FORCE comes to rescue victims, hand out justice and forgive the foolish, and spread mercy like a blanket of soft snow.

The greatest LOVE is hidden in the deepest darkness. It is in the nameless volunteers and countless folded hands united in prayer. It is the glow of compassion the makes the earth glow like the sun.

THIS REAL LOVE is not found in red roses and candlelight dinners, poetry and romance. It is the love of a mother getting up the middle of the night with a sick child. It is the love of a teacher making sure every child can read. It is the love of a nurse dressing the ugly wounds of accident victims. It is the love of a father teaching his child to climb a tree. It is the love of giggling friends that share a secret joke.
It is the LOVE that unites people.

It is a bond that is REAL.

PERMANT

EVERLASTING

It is the look that connects souls and spellbinds people.

When we take the time to look deeply in someone’s eyes,.
When we take the time to walk in someone else’s shoes.

When we take off our sunglasses, and see our reflection in another’s eyes and realize that maybe other people “do think the way that we do”.
and the world is “perfect the way that it is”.

And we don’t need to escape, and run to the hills, we even need to turn off our cell phones, we just need to take the time to love.

LOVE TRULY, MADLY, DEEPLY

LOVE with a reckless abandon

Text with love,
Email with love,
Eat with love,
Pray with love,
Sleep with love,
Be with love,
Become the love.
Be the love

BE a REAL POWERFUL FORCE in the world that even the mountains will bow down to.
BE a force of change and a voice of wisdom.
Do not desire a single lover, but allow everyone to be your beloved.

Love everyone, the birds, the earth and sky like they are a part of you,
Because the truth is…

They are.

We are not born to discover LOVE

We are LOVE
And we are born to discover ourselves

Open your heart
Wake up and

LOVE
LOVE
LOVE

It is New Years Eve and I am all alone, except for my flatmate's cat. But, I am quite happy. I am happy to be home and to rest. I have discovered that if I rest and if I take care of myself, I am so much better at my job. My energy is higher and I am able to do more and there are noticeably less problems. When I work 48 hours without a break, I start to feel worn out, and resentful. I can't do as well. I don't need much, just one hour a day, to come home, workout, and drink some wheatgrass juice, then I am good to go. But, today I got in a fight with my coworker because I asked for a break. He said it was not his problem that I work too much. Not a team player, I will talk to my boss. I know she will support me.

Anyywy, working with people with intellectual disabilities. I am learning to communicate on different levels because their minds are not always working properly. I am trying to connect to their spirits and using prayer. I have seen some amazing results...

When I first started, I mentioned that Stephen, the diabetic, was addicted to sweets, and his blood sugar was so high that he could have been in the hospital, he was in danger of loosing his leg. Now his blood sugar is near normal and he is eating VERY healthy. The other day he fixed a beetroot sandwich, because he liked it!!! Now, he walks everyday and goes to the gym. But it was SO SO hard in the beginning!! He wanted junk food. He hated me, when I tried to divert him from the cakes at a party. I tried over and over to explain to him about diet and why he should eat healthy. It was a matter of life and death. He didn't care. He didn't understand. Everyday I would ask him "What is protein/" and he would reply, "A carrot." I wanted to give up.

Then, I prayed. I asked God and the angels for help. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to save his life. But he was so stubborn. It was beyond me. Then, suddenly, after I prayed, he started liking apple crumble instead of chocolate and liked the sugar free cakes I taught him to make. He came to me with a big smile and told me how he refused icecream at a party. He was changing. I could have cried. I feel proud and I take the credit for all the effort I put in. But the truth is Stephen's success story is a miracle.

I love the men that I work with because they don't have "challenging behaviors". Some of the houses I have worked in have people who hit, kick and scream, when their emotions go wild. I don't want all of that drama. The men I work with are quite mellow. But, they can get stubborn. SO SO STUBBORN!!! When we want to go somewhere, and one decides he is NOT going, What can I do? Especially when they can't say why they don't want to go? Are they afraid? They can't explain what is going on in their mind, how can I help fix the problem? That is where prayer comes in...

I did a meditation and I imagined the house bathed in beautiful golden yellow light. I thought this would stimulate them and keep them active. If they settle for too long, they become like stones. Yellow is an exciting and energizing color.

It has worked, so far they are cooperative and willing to go places and and to help. Life is good.

Every once in a while we have challenges. But what I have noticed is that when there are challenges are the exact times when my energyy is not that high. When I am tired and stressed, then suddenly there seems to be more problems. I believe that my presence has a strong influence in their behavior. When I have good health and well being, it directly effects the men I work with. I believe they are more sensitive to energy then most people. (One man who works with autistic people told me to be careful what I think, when I went into the house because they can read minds.)

I am learning so much. I am learning to take care of myself. I am learning what I need to make that happen. I am learning how I can make a difference just with my presence and being positive. NO NO!! I am learning that I am touched by Grace and Grace is doing miracles through me. I really can't take credit for anything. I am learning that I still don't understand. I am learning that maybe I don't want to because I enjoy the mystery of miracles. I am learning that the men I work with are teaching me so much.

So on New Years Eve I will go to bed early, pray and wish you all will be touched with Grace, Magic and Miracles in the next Year. May all your dreams come true!!!!

Today was Christmas and I had a lovely day. I spent the day with my flatmate, Minta. She works for the same company, and I really like her allot. She came home almost in tears from the stress one woman is causing her. She works with a nasty woman, who is violent and abusive. Minta was exhausted from having to pull the car over several times to avoid being hit.

I gave her a warm hug. I wish there was more that I could do.

Once again, I am so grateful for the wonderful, easy-going men that I work with.

We watched a funny movie and laughed together. Minta ate ice cream to cool her emotions.

I turned down an invitation to go to dinner. Tim's dad (one one the men I work with) invited me to their family's house. I really appreciated the offer, but I just needed to rest. To be honest,I was not in the mood to go out. I also needed some space from Tim. He has a crush on me and I need to set limits. Going to his family's home might confuse things for him.

I had a lovely day with Minta. We restored each other. We spend so much time supporting others, it is good to support each other. I find great compassion and strength in our relationship. She understands all joys and frustrations of our work. It is good to talk to her.

To be honest, I like being with her more than dating. I would rather spend the day talking, watching movies and drinking veggie juice, then a night out with a handsome suitor trying to impress me with an expensive dinner and stories about how wonderful he is.

I am not bitter. I am just honestly uninterested in men and dating. It is too much trouble with my busy schedule. It is unfullfilling to me. Maybe I am gay, if a night with my roomate's cat is more fun than a expensive dinner at an Indian restaurant, (that pales in comparison to eating with my hands and sitting on the floor in a real Indian Market).

Maybe one day I will meet a man, who will sweep me off my feet. But for now my feet are pretty steady and firmly planted. (even though the dreadful wind keeps trying to blow me over). I know I am thirty and maybe I let opportunities pass me by. But if I never get married or have kids, I won't feel disappointed. However, if I don't go to Africa I will feel heartbroken. I guess I am just a different kind of girl. Flowers and wine to little to make me swoon, but someone who is willing to pack his bags and leave his comfort zone to help those in need, will make me want to buy a double bed. Untill then I travel alone, eat alone, pray alone. But working with God and helping people...I am never alone. God is enough of a partner for me.


Today was a mild day. Not too much wind and the sun was out, a little. But I still needed a jacket when I walked to work. I only worked a few hours, and actually it was nice. I worked in a home that is VERY HIGH needs. I had to give people baths and and they were in wheelchairs and could not communicate. I had love and compassion for them. I talked to the other staff there and we all got along great.

I feel a great sense of happiness and inner peace today. Maybe it was from all the prayers you all are sending me. I felt a great sense of joy today.

I realized how important rest is. I rested today and I sleep well in my own bed last night and today I was able to be happy and give my best. When I work 36 hours without a break and I am not able to go home, (to my sanctuary). I feel tired and I start to resent my job. It becomes a burden and I make plans to quit, in my mind. I start to hate all the paperwork. I start to find faults with my wonderful staff. Then, I began to not like myself for thinking so negatively.

Rest and breaks are crutial for me to maintain my happiness and vital if I want to continue this work. I will tell my boss, when she returns from vacation. She was so worried about me. She doesn't want to loose me. I was complaining about all the new ridiculous rules and paperwork that I have to do. All the paperwork takes time away from what is most important, spending time with the guys. Do they want me to do my job, or write about it? But, the truth is that if I am rested I can handle it all better. My boss noticed I was feeling overwhelmed from stress and exhaustion.

In the future, I think when I am doing a really long shift I will take a few hours to go home, workout a little and drink some wheatgrass juice. I live 5 mintues away. They can surive without me for an hour and usually there is another staff person there anyway.

My Christmas cards will be late this year. Sorry about that. Obviously, I have been extremley busy. I hope you all like what I got. I did not buy presents this year. I donated money to charity. Instead of tacky NZ souvenirs, you are all helping change the lives of people you will never meet. I will send more specific details. It is really cool!! Even the Christmas cards are a donation to help a Cancer Organization. Next year I will let you all choose the charity, but this year I ran out of time, and gave to a great one that I regually donate to. I hope you like it.

I did just buy something for myslef. I bought a laptop. I am excited. Soon I can email and keep in touch better. WIthout a computer or a car I had to walk over an hour to an internet cafe, on my very rare day off. Now I can chat when I have a break. I got an Acer One. It was very cheap, so I hope I am happy with it. There were good reviews. It is quite small and lightweight. The only problem is that it has a noisy fan, and it doesn't have a CD/DVD drive and the battery only lasts a few hours. But it is a good starter. I don't need anything fancy. Just a way to talk to my family and organize photos for work.

I already made my New Years Resolution.. I will do yoga everyday, continue to eat healthy, and take time out for myself and rest. Yeah that sounds good.

One of the requirements for all the people I work with is to have goals. It fun and challenging to set goals and watch them manifest for these guys. Stephen has done remarkably well on the "Healthy Living" Program I made for him. His blood sugar is near normal. I think I might have saved his life. He feels better and has more energy. Tim wants to do soccer and boxing. Damon wants to do an outdoor aventure trip. It is my job to make all of this happen. It is alot of work, allot of planning. But is is really cool, when their dreams come true. But, with my company, there is even more work. I have to document every step that I do to progress their goals. I have to record every conversation and show evidence. Even more work!!! That is really what wears me out the most, the endless paperwork. And the long hours, not sleeping properly in a house full of men who snore, masturbate and sleep walk.

But I think I have found a way to cope, to rest. Now if I can just find a way to deal with the awful weather. When will summer ever come?

And when will thay make Christmas song with a warm theme, like "Surfing Santa" or "It's beginning to look alot like Christmas, the Sun is out" "Dashing through the white sand, over the beach we go..."

Anyway, I wish you all a vey warm (he he) Christmas, from the land down under